Tuning Up

I close my eyes and listen to the songs to tune myself to the ceremony ahead;

I listen to the songs to tune a deeper chord inside myself;

A deeper chord inside myself, thus offers itself, like sword and shield;

Like Frodo and Sting, the deeper chord glows as anxiety reveals

Itself, with Its monstrous depression and fear, taking control of

Stress, once-faithful companion, sabotaging the cortisol dear

Productivity reared; offering itself, this chord leans in to say,

“I’ve got your back. I’m right here.”

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Wedding Music for the Dance Floor

Today’s Goal

Today’s the last day of my one-week goal to assemble a playlist for the DJ. Tomorrow, I’ll gather these together in a Word .doc, then save it as a .pdf, so Jen-Mom can send it to our DJ to make sure everything’s A-OK.

Headspace ✅ Ground Spinners

Today we bought ground spinners at our LGBTQ+ community firework stand in Clovis.

I’m not interested in fireworks any bigger than ground spinners, because last year, we had half a dozen neighbors launching lots of noise and lights from the middle of the street. So if I need lots of noise and lights, I can just look up and down the street.

I imagine I’ll spend a good amount of time checking on our six cats and two birds.

I like ground spinners because, like toasting champagne, they’re great for lighting and declaring a celebration. We have five packs of six spinners, which means we can celebrate 30 things!—but Chase has to pick things, too.

Some of my celebratory wedding and honeymoon planning ideas:

  1. Completing bridesmaids gifts for our wedding! (They’re in the mail.)
  2. Completing music playlist for our wedding!
  3. Completing candle-making experiment for our wedding! (We, umm, have had technical difficulties so far with the bottle cutter and preparatory process.)
  4. Completing betta bowl arrangement for our wedding!
  5. Completing marriage certificate hoop-jumps for our wedding!
  6. Booking volcano crater snorkeling trip for our honeymoon!
  7. Booking ferry to Lanai (and ferry back to Maui) for our honeymoon!

The wedding feels all-consuming, which simultaneously feels silly, because when I take a step back and assess the situation, Jen-Mom is doing way more legwork than us. I’m not certain how people get through these things without family guardian angels and/or firing rockets into the air with banner ads of powerful feelings attached.

Celebratory ideas for creative goals?

  1. Completing new cover for Emergence No. 7 (which Chase has been working diligently on for days… he’s drawing a mechanical dragon!)
  2. Submitting the dragon and glass house short story to online literary magazines.
  3. Submitting poetry to Frogpond Members Anthology 2018 (it’s due tomorrow!—so I need to get on it today; I have the poems elbow-greased out and finely aged, so they’re ready to edit…just need to polish them…).

And celebratory goals for around the house!

  1. Completing installation of drip system! (That hasn’t happened yet… But no one’s claimed this precious Saturday and Sunday yet, either… And we need our drip system installed so the garden can be left on auto-pilot while we’re gone. If my lemon balm, black pineapple tomato, or Eleanora basil plants die, I’m going to mourn them—heavier than most plants are mourned.)
  2. Cleaning the back room!
  3. Cleaning the kitchen!

Lots of exclamation marks usually means overstimulation. I’ll garden to wind down whatever pent-up energy I’m not realizing before moving on to the list of dance music.

15 16 Dance Songs

As I expected, I think I landed 1-3 darts in the 70s, 90s, 00s, and 10s (while swiftly dodging the 80s) (because it’s the 80s) (gross).

Pinterest Board for Chocolate

To cheers the end of this one-week blogging challenge through Wedding music ideas, I’m sharing my super-secret chocolate Pinterest board with you. Enjoy!

12 Relaxing Pre-ceremonial Songs

Today’s Goal

I’m totally ready for writing about 15 dance songs tomorrow… But I still have a lot of research to do with the 12 pre-ceremonial songs I listed in my weekly blogging goals.

Headspace ✅ Garden Next Time

The next time I wake up feeling sapped of hope, I need to spend more time with the plants. I spent two hours with the plants today, and I feel much better than I did two days ago. I think there may be equal parts exercise and earthly connection located in our backyard; I just need to do it.

12 Calming Pianos & Violins

Yesterday, I think I proved how much I love covers.

I also love piano and violin (and orchestral harp and flute!—but those aren’t as widely embraced as piano and violin); so I went on a hunt for piano and violin covers that people may recognize, in hopes I’m not ostracizing guests who don’t listen to classical.

But classical piano would work just as well—particularly Tchaikovsky (I know he’s not normally considered a “calming” choice, and that’s fine, because I love him)—if the DJ thinks the piano covers below are difficult choices.

 

Some of these have a lot of energy. Lots of them are from video games and Disney. That’s part of their charm.

I also made a YouTube playlist with these 12 tracks, to help find them… Or to play them directly to the sound system, if the DJ isn’t affronted by YouTube’s sound quality.

I need to ask Jen-Mom if the YouTube playlist format is helpful—because I can do this with the music from my previous posts, too.

Wedding Dresses & Rings Pinterest

In the earlier phases of wedding planning, I made a Pinterest board for dress and ring ideas; so if you’re planning a wedding, or you’re just curious and/or you’d like some inspiration, feel free to browse:

Wedding Dinner Music

Today’s Goal

Dinner music. Nine songs. DJ, Jen-mom, and/or Chase can add more songs to the list; some of the overflow songs from the previous posts could supplement.

Headspace ✅ Motivation

Started today watching these two videos.

Yesterday was emotionally rough. Trying to myself up to break that. Not going to let my brain pull me down like that. I accept when I fall down. I love the self who falls down; the self who gets scared. Then I get up.

You can truly trace every single problem or complaint in your life to silence and hesitation. Those are decisions…I am one decision away from a totally different marriage, a totally different life, a totally different job, a totally different income, a totally different relationship with my kids…

One million words. I’m writing a million words. I might not make it by the end of the year; but that’s the first goalpost. Not going to be silent. Not going to hesitate.

Your life comes down to your decisions, and if you change your decisions, you’ll change everything… Every one of us is one Google search away from instructions that, if you follow any of them, it will change your life.

9 Potential Dinner Songs

None of these songs are grabbing my shirt, shaking me, and screaming, You must play this song!—so this is just gathering a vibe. But I like these songs. I think these would make good dining songs. And I believe intelligently designed and performed covers of famous music makes good dinner conversation—thus the 7-out-of-9 covers.

Alternate, Geekier Idea

Zelda music for dinner. 😏 Since Chase is a huge Zelda fan, and I’m a bigger video game fan all-around. 😄 Except, I’m thinking only Cami, Mikey, Rae, Ashley, and Dad would be filled with joy by orchestral Zelda music—and I want lots of people feeling happy.

Wedding Decor & Crafts Pinterest

If you didn’t get enough wedding ideas from today’s post, no worries!—I have a Pinterest account with 12K+ images pinned, including this 108-idea board of wedding decor & crafts:

Ceremony Music

Tonight’s Writing Goal

I’m publishing two posts at Wyvia today to make up for the post I missed on Monday. I meant to schedule two posts on Tuesday, but at 12:30am, I’m in the wee hours of Wednesday; and that’s just as well—now it’s Wednesday Wedding Double-Post Day. 😋

I’d like to choose songs for when the wedding ceremony starts; when my dad walks me down the aisle; then when we walk out. I’ll list 2-3 songs, then we can narrow it down by the end of the month (or if one of the songs doesn’t work, or if we need additional music, we have the surplus).

Headspace ✅ Speaking vs. Writing

Over at my autism awareness blog, I’ve previously explored my intimate relationship with writing. Where many people talk/speak as their primary discourse—their everyday form of communication—I’ve always relied on writing to express myself. To connect.

It’s only been in my mid-twenties to my thirties that I’ve felt confident with my stage performance as a speaker; yet still, it is a stage performance.

And no matter how much neurotypical (i.e., non-autistic) society would like me to say, “Oh my goodness, I totally grew out of my autism, and now I enjoy talking as much as all of you,” that’s not a reality that’s going to come true. I am forever, and always will be, a writer before speaker. I am as inefficient and uncomfortable at showing people who I am verbally, as many people are inefficient and uncomfortable at showing people who they are writing. This will never change.

Therefore, I am also forever, and always will be, a stage performer—wearing a mask—when I’m trying to deeply explore ideas verbally. To explore deep ideas in my writing is to risk not having a soul hear it, and a lot of that has happened lately, despite beating my head into the brick walls of social media, dinner conversations (“Have you read my blog? Want me to write the link on the back of this receipt?”), and anywhere else my silenced voice can roil about, trying to scream.

It’s frustrating.

Especially because, with cellphones and instant gratification, people don’t read as much as before. Either that, or after attending a master’s program in creative writing, I’ve become… a worse writer than before…?

I don’t think that’s it.

I used to be able to write, and someone would listen. Then we would bounce ideas off one another, friends and family, and I’d get to know the world a little better.

Now I feel as if, when I write something, it publishes onto the Internet, falls into an ethereal space, and is never seen again. I write into emptiness. It’s like someone speaking to a brick. It’s like someone talking to clouds. I feel that distant—that hardened.

My writing is ghost writing, and the person I’m ghosting is my neurotypical simulacrum. My body, my voice—and neurotypical conversation—is all a shell. Somewhere between loved ones feeling satisfied by their physical conversations with me, and my writing floating around in the ethereal spaces, my true self feels lost in transit.

I have recurring nightmares of writing millions upon millions of words that aren’t read—parts of me that are never felt—until I’ve died. This used to be an annual nightmare. It increases its frequency, so much that I worry if my subconscious is contributing wood to the depression bonfire.

In these fire-pits, I convince myself, I’m releasing ghasts no one will find. My writing is invisible. This makes me feel invisible. The only writing that kicked up any dust cloud was a [redacted] selectively copy-pasted by [redacted], which resulted in [redacted] threatening to sue me. The biggest stink my 2018 online writing projects have made did not smell like roses; it smelled like horse shit.

This is the downward spiral I use to torment myself, before I try to return to my upward spiral, albeit in baby steps. My depression flares like an open wound when I explore this dark place, yet it’s such a gaping maw, I keep finding myself coming back, not knowing what to do.

Sometimes I think about stopping the writing, so I can stop the realization that the writing isn’t read, but I’ve already learned if I don’t write, it’s as bad as rendering myself mute. In that space, the words that come out of my mouth aren’t mine. Without writing, I feel dead on the inside, and a people pleaser for as long as it takes to get to my bedroom to continue feeling dead.

I know, I know. An artist shouldn’t equate their existence to the acknowledgement (or lack thereof) of the things they create. But let me put it in a different perspective. If a person sits at a table with seven other friends and/or family members, and tries to interject in the conversation dozens of times—and every time, the response they receive is, “Oh that’s lovely,” then cold shoulders—they would eventually feel lonely.

Some would crack before others.

But the act of “Oh that’s lovely,” over and over—and by this I mean, the “♥” and “Like” buttons on social media—would wear a person thin. The veneer of interest is almost more painful than the silence. If the person was just sitting at the table, and no one ever said, “Oh that’s lovely,” it would at least not result in an emotional labyrinth. The rejection would be crystal clear.

I am exhausted by the writing. I am exhausted by speaking, and only hearing, “Oh that’s lovely.” I’d like it to be as simple as an artist lamenting about a dry spell, yet it’s more complicated than that, due to my social barriers. My communication barriers. The issues that I’m not supposed to have because I’m a “high function” autistic person.

Still I write, though. I still write. I write still. Still I talk at the table. I still talk. I talk still. “Oh that’s lovely,” the world says to my writing. “Oh that’s lovely,” I say in the world’s verbal conversations.

But enough of all that heaviness.

Let’s go exploring via writing, shall we?

Ceremony Starts (Processional)

All of these songs are good. I’d like to incorporate the ones we don’t use for the processional into the pre-ceremony relaxing music list.

Walking Down Aisle

I also love both of these. Whichever one we choose, the other one can be used for dance music, later in the evening. They’re sweet songs.

Ceremony Ends (Recessional)

I think we’ve nailed this one. When I tried to make other suggestions, Chase kept rubber-banding back to Lava. I dunno if that’s because he digs it, he sees how much I dig it, or both, but I think we’re walking out on Lava. 😍

Wedding Cake & Cookies on Pinterest

While the cake and macaroon combo have already been decided, I thought it’d be fun to share the Pinterest board we made along the way, in case anyone else in the Worldwide Interwebs would like inspiration: